We actually have had this discussion a few times these last couple of months. We love each other. We are happy and fulfilled and maybe that is enough. Maybe being a parent to a child is not in our cards. Could we sustain this fulfillment through the years - without children?
But then, we discuss it further. The idea now, today may be okay with us. But 10 years, 20 years from now....that's where I stop and think about the emptiness I may feel, not being a parent.
I wonder what my threshold is.... with these pregnancies. What's my limit? I will now be looking at the double digits. That seems unimaginable. I've almost forgotten some of them, like I've blocked the memory out. I truly feel as if I'm telling someone else's story. In some ways, this is true.....
When I was a young girl, living in South Dakota I had a neighbor friend that I would visit often. I remember one time playing with this friend, at her home. Her mother was sad that day. I had learned that the mom had lost a baby, had a miscarriage. I was 8 years old and somehow comprehended this. What I continued to learn is that this was her 11th miscarriage. That news was amazing to me. I could not grasp how that must have been, how she felt, why it was happening....all the questions a curious girl would think in her mind. I knew I was sad for her and wondered how she could go through such a horrible thing, so many times. This mother's story stayed with me through the years - to this day....we have this common thread. Generations apart, medical advances separating our lives - but we share this thing.
I think I've got a few more left in me. Maybe two or three - if that's what it takes. We'll see. Maybe next month - we'll start again....we'll see. But for now - I'm content.
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