If I could just sleep this portion of my life's memory away - I would. And when I wake up, if I could be pregnant again with a healthy, growing fetus - that would be my wish.
I've been absent for awhile now. I've been waiting. Just waiting two more weeks to tell you that I was 12 weeks along with my 10th pregnancy. I was hoping to share happy & hopeful news with my blogger followers. But then it happened.
Just when I was shedding a few of my "walls" - it happened. A day after I "peeked" at cribs online - it happened.
I was 9 weeks along and feeling pregnant. This one seemed different from the start. Hcg levels were very high (which is great). We saw the heart beating at our week 6 ultrasound and again at 8 weeks - it looked wonderful and strong. And I felt for the first time - pregnant. With morning sickness symptoms everyday (mostly at night). So, to us this one was different. We were becoming more hopeful than usual.
Last week on Wednesday it all changed. The night before I was feeling better than normal. This did not settle well with me. Wednesday morning I decided to call the clinic to see if I could move my next ultrasound up. I was feeling anxious and knew I would be a mess if I had to wait until the following Tuesday for my next heartbeat check. At this point, it was the morning sickness symptoms that were pulling me through each day. Assuring me that I was still carrying a healthy pregnancy. When that changed.....I needed to know.
My clinic fit me into their schedule that morning. We went in - no heartbeat. It was gone. I had a D & C the following day at Abbott. Sad enough....the Anesthesiologist remembered me from past procedures...which I actually found comfort in.
Today, I feel invaded. The sadness attacks me here and there. It's the strangest feeling - being pregnant, then not, then again, then not...over and over and over again. My walls go up, and then they come down...over and over again. This feeling - really sucks! But, I'm not ready to quit - not even close to ready. As weak as I feel today, I will become stronger. I will fight these invasions - whatever form they take. I'm not giving up.
