In The Waiting Room

My distractions are constant. What's that about. I can't concentrate. My mind wanders. I feel like I'm sitting in a waiting room - just waiting.

This typically does not happen to me.....after a loss.

The last time we talked, I was practicing. We were practicing. And the practice paid off. I became pregnant. I took an early home pregnancy test on Sunday, August 30th. It was positive with the faintest line possible - but positive none the less. So it began, again. My ninth pregnancy was upon us, with new hope and new drugs. As I have been since my third pregnancy, I was guarded. But there was something new to focus on. I now had the knowledge that lipids could protect the embryo from the harsh and unstable environment that was my womb.

The process began on Monday the 31st. I made calls all morning long, to the three clinics that would assist this pregnancy. After the phone calls I went into my OBGYN for a blood draw. They would monitor my HCG and progesterone levels. By 3 o'clock I had my second Intralipid treatment at my home, in my living room. At 8 o'clock, Scott gave me my first Lovenox injection. It's a subcutaneous injection that is shot right below the naval. All these things, along with a handful of other pills will serve an important role, in protecting the embryo as it develops.

For almost two weeks I proceeded with checking my HCG levels, to ensure the process was progressing. Everything was looking good, the numbers were doubling like they should, but I was still guarded. We shared the news with friends, as we saw them, but I was not ready to put it in my blog - just wanted a few more days or maybe an ultrasound....something more.

I spoke to my local physician on Wednesday, September 9th. We planned to do our first ultrasound on Monday the 14th. I would be 5.3 weeks along by then and my HCG levels would be high enough to detect something on the monitor. This is good, right? I also did my first weekly blood draw for Chicago's laboratory. There are two lab tests they will perform that monitor the pregnancy while following the Intralipid treatment, in case there are any adjustments that need to be made while on Intralipid.

The next day I had another HCG blood draw. At this point my numbers were 549 and they should be around 1000 or more by the next blood draw. I got the phone call in the afternoon. I was sitting outside putting together a lovely flower basket arrangement for a friend. It was a beautiful day and I was feeling more hopeful than days before. I answer the phone call, it was my doctor. I was not expecting to hear from him, as he was not at the clinic that day. I expected to hear from the on-call nurse. So, right away I knew. He told me the HCG levels had gone down. They were at 529 (from 549). We both knew what this meant. But he said "Let's do another draw in a few days, just in-case it's lab error". I agreed, even though I knew it was not a mistake at the lab. This is what has always occurred. I've been down this road many times before. I knew it was another pregnancy loss.

Looking back, 7 of the 9 losses occurred between 4.5 weeks and 5.5 weeks. Typically the first sign was spotting. This time there was not a sign to "tip me off". The progesterone masked the usual signs. It wasn't until a week later that I began to spot, starting the miscarriage process.

Today, the process is over. I'm physically healed, other than some fading bruises from the daily Lovenox injections. I'm now waiting for the next step.

I spoke with the RE from Chicago two days ago. She shared with me the results of the Chicago lab tests that monitored my Intralipid treatment. The tests came back completely normal - meaning the lipids did their job. This loss was not due to the environment (my womb). It was something else, something unknown. So, this brings up more questions and more concerns, which brings on more tests.

I'm back in the waiting room. I'm here often...for two days or ten days or two months...always waiting. Specifically today, I wait for the lab tests to come in the mail from Chicago. They will arrive next Wednesday. Then we wait two more weeks for the results. From there...we'll see.

My mind wanders. I think about something for a few minutes, then something else, then something else. It's not always related to parenthood. But the idea of being a parent seems to cloud my thoughts. I wonder if it will happen. I wonder when it will happen. And mostly how it will happen. The odds seem to be against us, with many obstacles in the road. The fact that I get pregnant weighs on me most. Why would I give up, if getting pregnant is half the battle. I have that battle won, right? I wonder...am I being selfish? Trying so many times, with a loss each time. An embryo, a potential life that slips away. I feel I've failed these little chances of a baby. My mind spins....just spins around. What's the answer? So many questions! And yet here, I wait.