In the Midst

With the afternoon off and enjoying the splendors of summer and some amazing piano mixes from Pandora, I begin.

The treatment last week went well. It took all but 45 minutes for the IV fluids to fill my bloodstream. The clinic was bustling with other patients and staff. I found myself wondering what their stories were. In the waiting area we sat in a semi-circle, as the love seat sofas were arranged in such a fashion. There were two couples to my left occupying one side of the space. They seemed to know each other, as they spoke closely. The young man I shared my cozy sofa with was a bit anxious, hunched forward, ready to dart if his name was called. And the nice man to my right had a wee little infant with him, in a carrier. He would sweetly "shhh" the baby when she stirred. I thought, "why is he here, he has a new baby"....possibly his wife needed some sort of procedure after childbirth. I would ponder this for awhile.

I went back, as my name was called and settled in on the exam table. I stayed in my street clothes with my dressy sandals and long necklace dangling. I dropped my signature on a few documents, one of which was agreeing to the "pilot study" - the treatment I would undergo throughout this next pregnancy. My vitals were checked and the nurse was on her way with the treatment. They checked my vitals three times during the 45 minute process and once more afterwards. I was off, payed the hefty bill and ordered a taxi back to O'Hare Intl. I was back together, with Scott in Minneapolis by dinner time.

Since then, I have been busy double-checking local agencies that could possibly perform the Intralipid treatment locally. Last week I had no luck, but this week I may have found one! Walgreens Option Care has agreed to administer the drug, if allowed by the RE in Chicago. After a few loopholes, due to the drug being used in an experimental setting and such, I received the call from Dr. A., my local physician that has been with me through this entire journey. Dr. A. and Dr. C. talked together on the phone today. It's looking like I may not have to go to Chicago for the treatments going forward. The Option Care agency will administer the drug here, at my home. Wonderful news! I should know for sure by the end of the week.

I should also know if I'm pregnant by the weekend. Positive or negative..... If it's positive, my local clinic will draw blood to follow my hcg and progesterone levels. I'll move forward with next treatment and an early ultrasound (5 or 6 weeks) to confirm that the embryo has implanted and looks good :). And I'll continue with the medical protocol prescribed by my physicians. If it's negative, I'll wait for my cycle to renew and start the process over again.

This week last year I had a kidney stone....my first of two. They SUCK! And the timing was terrible as Scott and I decided to start trying again for a baby. Without our new diagnosis we were going into it blind, but hopeful. As July 2008 approached we began the journey again. Then right after ovulation I had a kidney stone. Really! No, really? Great timing! I visited the ER three times and was finally admitted to the hospital. Ugg! The entire time I was thinking...."I could be pregnant" and every time I was approached by the physician on-call about pain management I would tell them that I may be pregnant. They would proceed with a blood test that stated a negative result. You see, there are about 10 precious days that a woman does not get to know if she's pregnant or not. We just have to wait. It would not show up on a blood test - I fell into this time frame. In the doctor's eyes, I was not pregnant. In my eye's it was just too early to confirm this. This posed a problem because of the heavy drugs they prescribed me for the pain of the kidney stone. Scott was the rationale one, telling me to take care of myself and not think about the chance of pregnancy. I finally passed the stone, 4 hours before they had planned to surgically remove it. Good news!

A week went by and I had forgotten about the pregnancy thoughts, when I was feeling like crap for a few early mornings now. I was in Spicer with the family and decided to run over to the market for a test. Hmm, it was positive. And of course I was thinking that this "embryo" had a tough start with all the drugs pumped into my body the week before. Looking back, now we know it would have had a lot of "fighting" to do, to grow in my womb for 9 months! Now we know, and now we are more prepared!

I have flashbacks to my losses. Each pregnancy has a story that I can remember and share. Some of them were brief stories, when I only knew I was pregnant for a week or so, then the spotting would start. When this happened - I knew. Some of them were more trying on me. As I was further along and began to "feel" pregnant.

I can say I cherished those brief weeks. I loved feeling pregnant! It was so amazing. One very big thing I am thankful for is being able to conceive. I know that can be half the battle! For Scott and me it was the thing we did well! I think about the women in my life that have struggled with this and my heart goes out to them! I find myself thinking I was the lucky one, being able to get pregnant. I would always find peace in knowing they would eventually get pregnant - I still feel this way. All those women I knew that struggled, now have happy results. And they will continue to. Science is an amazing tool for women now. Many years ago, the options were slim. Here I am, an outcome from this slim chance to have a family biologically. Aaron, my wonderful brother and I were adopted at age 6 and 5. We were so lucky to have been brought together with our parents back in 1979. We have the best parents on earth!

If this process does not have a good result, I have peace in knowing that we have the option to adopt. Through these past four years I have not gotten anxious or stressed in being without a child. I knew and still know it will happen.

I think my story started back in 1974, when I was born. Aaron and I lived with our young birth parents, we were left with the babysitter, then scooped up by the birth grandparents, and lived with a foster family briefly..... then adopted. And before my story was the one of our birth mother - being adopted as well. It's almost like a higher power wants us to adopt a child....following history's path.

Here I am, pondering that thought. Yes, that is always an option. But Intralipid is the step we are standing on today and we're excited!

Thank you all, for reaching out with positive words and hopeful messages. Each and every one of those notes, email, posts, and other various forms of social networks have touched me deeply! Along with Scott, I get my strength from you!

Love, Cinda